Our One Month Mark

I can't believe that as I am writing this, Caleb Jey is already 1 month old. I guess that's what happens when all of your days start to jumble together and you're feeding every 2 hours. Time sure does fly. I'm not even sure where to begin and unsure how to even express my thoughts into words right now. I am truly sleep deprived, overwhelmed, and feeling disassociated. Yet, I'm overjoyed, motivated, and in love. It's a unique experience which I'll try my best to explain.

All of my preparation was basically thrown out the window the minute we stepped foot in our house with our newborn. The amount of research I did in that first 48 hours was exhausting; Little gestures he made that put me in a full blown panic attack, how to properly sterlize, heat up water, and feed him. Whether pacifiers were good or bad. If I could tell right away whether he was having an allergic reaction to the dogs. What would happen if I chose to not breastfeed and would he get adequate nutrition using formula. What formula is best, what isn't, powder or ready-to-feed, warm or cold, how long could it be stored in the fridge. Literally everything you can think of, I probably did research on. Let's just say that a lot of my search started with 'Is it normal for my newborn to....' and it was never-ending.

But not only that - I worried about myself, too. I was asked prior to being discharged if I had history of anxiety and depression. Although I know that I have history of both, I haven't been professionally diagnosed so naturally I said no. Only to get home and get hit with the hardest post-partum identity grief. For the better part of our first month, I had lost who I was and it was difficult to transition into motherhood, grieving for the life that I had, and still wanting to care and nurture him to the best of my capability. I tortured myself for deciding to stop breastfeeding so early on because of the traumatic experience I had in the hospital of trying to get him to latch. I had several nurses handling my breast every two hours, exposed, restless, and finding out later that he had blood in his urine due to dehydration. I kept thinking to myself that the one thing that I should be able to provide him was the nutrition from my supply, and I couldn't even do that. I was extremely defeated and lost leaving the hospital but relieved to be walking out in hopes that I'd figure it out on my own. I thought that the alternative solution would be to pump and gain my supply that way. He would just feed through a bottle which was fine. But that feeling after was even worse. I can't even properly explain it. The cramps, the pain, the feeling of being over-tired, and how emotionally unstable I felt after every pump was clearly not healthy for me.

After a week of beating myself up, crying every few hours, and still allowing visitors to come through our door, I felt like the best thing to do for the both of us was to continue primarily with formula. I struggled with what other people would think of me because I didn't try hard enough or didn't give it another try so I made sure for the first couple of weeks that Caleb was fed before and after we had visitors. It actually took the better part of this past month to feel comfortable feeding him in front of anyone that walked through our door. I didn't even realize that I was so focused on what they would think when all along I was just doing what was best for the both of us. I had a lengthy conversation with my cousin who recently went through the same hardship of taking care of her baby as well as herself. She told me words I will always remember moving forward and it's that 'Fed is best. Formula or breast doesn’t matter as long as they are fed and their tummy’s are full'. I realized how important it was to take care of myself in order to care for Caleb, and although I can't confirm for sure that I've surpassed this emotional struggle, I know for a fact that it has gotten a lot better.

It's nice to have support from other mothers because one way or another, we can relate to each others struggles, stories, and experience. It helps me feel like I'm not totally alone in all of this because quite honestly, our partners don't and will never understand what this feels like. I worry that this resentment I feel towards R will eventually drown me. I could sense that he's also trying to adjust and do what he can but for some reason, I feel angry and find myself upset rather than grateful. Do other people feel the same way? Will that feeling eventually leave? Because I sure hope so. That quality time we used to have is now spent feeding, burping, changing, and craddling. When we get a few minutes to ourselves, it's spent talking about Caleb, trying to get the extra minutes of sleep, or quickly cleaning the house. That alone is a whole adjustment in itself. It's like we miss each other even when we're in the same room. But it's also us holding and staring at him while he sleeps, completely and utterly in awe that he is ours.

The mixed emotions that I've experienced this month is all surprisingly worth it. I know that I went into a pretty deep depression hole and I'm acknowledging that this is just the beginning. I catch myself missing my old lifestyle every so often, and I miss being able to just leave the house to hang out with my friends on a whim. But, I also find tranquility at home, grateful of the family we've created, excited for his future, and being able to witness him grow into the life we created for him.

Did I sum up what I said I was going to for the first month? Who knows! I'm sort of all over the place and just trying to get this out there so that this reaches the right audience. For those first-time mothers who are struggling - You are not alone! You got this!

Jree.